the week in bits

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I’m not sure what there is to say about how I feel this week. Its all been a bit of a blur. I really enjoyed Congress on Tuesday. I mean, really enjoyed. If anything, getting out of the buzz and manic London life was a god send. It was almost as if I immediately calmed down. But when you think about it, I wasn’t calm. Far from it- I was on top of the world. And why not? Why shouldn’t I be?

Like I said in an earlier blog post- I got really angry in my psychology lecture this week and unfortunately that spilt over into the next lecture, which should have been yesterday. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face it. Not just because I hate it, but because it makes me feel and think about things that I don’t really want to feel and think about. Psychology was not a topic I was expecting to be studying on an adult nursing course, but I don’t know why I thought that. It seems so obvious now. On top of this, of all the stupid things to do, instead of making a nice excuse about being ill, I decided to tell the truth. It’s almost as if I’ve run out of energy to lie. I simply told her that I couldn’t deal with the module at the moment and that I would be back next week. When she asked me why, I apologised and said I didn’t know and couldn’t give her a reason, then I pulled out the “I need a break” card to get myself out of the hole. Maybe that really is all I need? The reply to the email was not at all what I had expected. It simple said:

Life can get like that can’t it? Take a break.

Thank god for that. Honestly, I don’t know why I put myself through this trauma.

I had a friend (or not) who I met at work last year in the hospital who decided last night to tell me that everything that comes out of my mouth is a bore to him, that I give him nothing and that I am a source of utter depression. I am not entirely blameless in all this for sure- I’m certain that I have been no angel, especially when I have been unhappy. In fact, when I was particularly unhappy (self harming type of unhappy that frightened me) he pretty much refused to let me speak about it changing the subject. When I tried to talk to him and ask him questions about what he’d been doing he would change the subject. I suppose I just didn’t give him what he wanted/needed (which I can safely say were things that made me extremely uncomfortable to talk about). He told me that I had serious issues with trust and that I will never trust anyone and be very unhappy. This was in no way a trust issue. In fact I trusted him implicitly, I just didn’t want to talk about things that made me uncomfortable. I do hope he has a better bedside manner with his patients. He is a junior doctor working in psychiatry (as of a month or so ago) at the moment- he wasn’t when I met him!

My mum’s birthday was a few days ago. My sister and I wanted to take her for a meal- she didn’t want that. She wanted to go to the pub “where all her friends would be with her cards”. I went to see her down there and it was double vodka followed by double vodka. She has decided that this is a better option for her than wine- doesn’t her her as pissed (apparently). My sister decided to cook a meal at home instead. My mum was so pissed she could not walk in a straight line, she could hardly eat her food, and somehow managed to “forget” that she had presents from me to unwrap. I wondered where they had gone- she was sitting on them. She made overly dramatic gestures of thankfulness about her gifts- the type of gesture that makes you feel as if she is overcompensating for something. I’m sure she didn’t really mean it.

So anyway, here I am just floating around through life not really sure where i am going. I’m sure this will get better.